greenbaby

I have been having a bit of a crisis lately about the state of my future. The state of my future is… uncertain. As Mr. Whitman famously wrote, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.” Or something to that effect.
People often, upon first meeting me, take me for a free spirit. I look a little like a hippie and often act the part. And hippies are carefree, right? Not so much this hippie. I like to have my ducks in a row so to speak. I like my house to be clean, I like to know what I’m making for dinner and I like to have some idea of what I’ll be doing one year from now. But at the same time, the fact that I have no idea what I’ll be doing a year from now is exciting. I do get an emotional rush from it. But it would probably be more exciting if Sweet Pea weren’t tied up in it. Because the idea that I might not be with her all day every day next year frankly leaves me devastated.
I’ve tried desperately to be brave about all this. I’m aware that children are put in daycare all the time and have quality relationships with their parents and grow up healthy and well-adjusted. So am I being selfish? That’s what I keep asking myself. I like to think that my wanting to stay home with S.P. is best for her. That the best thing for her is to have a consistent, loving caregiver (namely, me). But I know that Pookie’s attitude is that we can do best by S.P. if we maximize our income and are therefore able to provide for her financially. So is it selfish for me to want to, in effect, minimize our income and be with S.P. every day? A big part of me thinks that no, it isn’t. What does S.P. really need? Food. She gets plenty of that and it’s pretty good quality, too. Clothes. She has more than enough of those, what with gifts and hand me downs. Shelter. Maybe not the fanciest digs in the world, but check. Love. That’s the biggie. And I have more than enough of that to give her. It looks like I’m definitely leaning towards the stay at home angle. But in order to do that there is a minimum amount of money I need to earn.
Oh, I am just so tired of going over and over this from every possible angle…
If anybody has any tips, advice, input or prayers to pass along to me, I’d really appreciate it.

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